Captive

written May 2007

Will I ever get rid of this? This monster, that holds me captive inside my own body. This monster that hides away, sometimes for long periods of time only to pop out again at the strangest and most inconvenient of times? Will I ever be who I was before and not have to worry; to hide from certain feelings or thoughts that plague me from time to time? This monster that attacks when I’m almost out of the woods, this monster that knows when I am most easily persuaded. I sometimes think I’m done with this crazy, screwed up piece of my life. I sometimes think I can finally rebuild and put all this behind me when all of a sudden, I’m blindsided with the indescribable, shameful, terrifying feelings once again. And it makes me wonder if I will ever be safe. Safe from myself and this monster who has made it’s home in my body, my mind and my soul. When I will ever have a day that I don’t think about my past and feel shame. Will I ever escape this monster? Am I willing to fight, get it out of me once and for all? Or will I let that one little thing, the strange feeling I can’t describe that wants to keep that monster; win the fight over my body, mind and soul over and over again until it’s too late?